Imperfect ideal

A few things women say about their ‘ideal’ man are impossible to find in a single person, especially because of their rapid revision with time

Last time, I spoke about the swipe-left-swipe-right lifestyle being all the rage. Frankly, I find it quite uninspiring. Whatever happened to the age of allure and lure Of charm and chase, mystery and longing The biggest deal back then was summoning up the courage to go and talk to the person you liked. Courtship wasn’t the guerrilla warfare that it’s become today; hiding behind a (proxy server) wall and launching grenades of runaway affection that is too abstract to be correctly interpreted or reciprocated.

That said, it does save us from the barrage of pick-up lines that came with the courtship cycle. Men tried, mostly in vain, phrases that a thousand monkeys tapping away at a thousand typewriters might come up with, but never use. By comparison, a simple like or unlike is much less damage-inducing.

However, we men aren’t the only ones to trash talk when courting. Women too are responsible for inciting much catastrophic confusion. They don’t just shift the goalpost every few minutes, they change the entire bloody game! Here, then, without further ado, are five things that women say about their ideal that really make no sense unless what they really want is to live with five different men wherein each possesses one of the raved qualities but most likely not an iota of any of the other:

“I like a guy with a sense of humour.” A sense of humour today is the best pheromone, very attractive to the ladies. But remember that her laughing at you when you take your pants off doesn’t count. That said, that funny-take on life attitude will land you in deep doodoo later as you will be hauled up for not taking things seriously enough. In other words, court with laughter but for a relationship, recite Kafka.

“I do not want a fancy wedding.” We agree. We don’t care much for diamonds either. But worldwide sales figures from jewellers and florists who drive around in bigger cars every year, paint a very different picture. Of course you want more flowers than at a state funeral in Amsterdam, and you want enough glitter to eclipse the noon sun. So don’t make stoic statements that you can’t back up. It really hurts when the guy takes you seriously and turns up with a Zirconium and your smile fades faster than cheap dye.

“I want to treat my man like a king.” I don’t know which king ever took trash out or folded linen but clearly our parents told us different bedtime stories. Now mind you, I am not implying that men don’t want to help, or can’t, or worse yet, shouldn’t. I am merely saying that don’t suggest a life of ease and mirth when what you really want is dedicated slavery. We are happy to run chores but just your wish to be treated like a queen doesn’t necessarily graduate us to kings.

“I like the reserved ones.” Which will soon translate into: you don’t communicate enough, or right, or at all. In other words, the strong silent type are good as sculptures, a Rodin masterpiece maybe, but once they bring you home you better be the pirate’s parakeet!

“I want a self-made man.” Even Adam wasn’t a self-made man. No man ever was, or will be. You are asking for a self-hatched egg without a chicken. Instead, learn to identify a man who can keep his privileges and tend to them. Set the bar high but not so high that only an athlete can scale it, for you know how much sportspersons are worth if it isn’t cricket that they play.

So, the next time you are about to hit the club with your pack, reset and re-evaluate your notions of what to look for in a guy before you go blurting out incongruous classics like the ones stated above.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine