The ugly truth

Voices of authority across the board clear up the ambiguity that surrounds domestic violence. They bust a few myths, underline the law and offer suggestions to fight the menace

Domestic abuse, much like sexual harassment, is something that's often brushed under the carpet, even dismissed as something that happens in homes of the lower strata of the society. But the spike in the number of high profile cases of domestic violence, the most recent one being filed by actress Rati Agnihotri, has brought to the fore the rampant nature of this social plague. But what exactly can be defined as domestic violence Would a one-off incident of a single blow count, even if the couple reconciles their differences soon after What triggers the menace And once, defined, what does one do to fight back These are a few questions we got experts from law and counselling to throw some light on. What the law says:

Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence as defined by the law is not just physical abuse. Divorce lawyer, Mrunalini Deshmukh argues that it is the damage and trauma that the victim suffers that defines domestic violence. She says, “For the first time, India has a very comprehensive law on the issue in the form of protection of women and children against Domestic Violence Act of 2005. And while many believe that it is restricted to just physical violence, that’s hardly the case. There are three aspects to domestic violence as said in the law. One is of course physical abuse, the second is emotional or mental abuse, which involves broad situations as constant disparaging and demeaning, having an affair or even causing embarrassment. There is also a third aspect in the form of financial abuse, which involves denying the spouse money and even taking over of property and such.” What goes and what doesn’t:

Domestic violence should under no circumstances be covered up, says psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty. “A one-off blow can’t be counted as domestic violence, but shouldn’t be ignored either. If the instance is severe, then the spouse should take cognisance of the fact and at least file an NC with the local police station or report to the social workers. I don’t see a reason why one should wait to visit a marriage counsellor or seek professional help in instances like these, though I agree that the shame and guilt which comes with domestic violence can be one of the reasons for people to keep mum.”

Elaborating on the point, Mrunalini adds, “It also differs across classes of society. For example, if my maid were a victim she would probably not resort to filing a complaint even if the husband is an alcoholic who is beating her. But on the other hand if you or me or someone belonging to the educated class is hit even once or is disrespected or traumatised even slightly, we will definitely take offence and take it as an insult.” But social values and upbringing aren’t the only deterrent that makes victims tolerate it, adds Mrunalini. “It can also be seen in high societies and especially among people with a very busy social life, such as celebrities. But they don’t want the issue to become a public affair and to save themselves embarrassment, they keep mum.” The triggers and signs:

While financial troubles, like in Rati’s case, can be one of the triggers, it is hardly the only one. Relationship expert Seema Hingorany says, “Domestic violence first starts with emotional violence. Yelling, belittling the spouse, fighting over trivial issues with any logical reasoning are the tell tale signs. The rationalism is lost and a dogmatic approach sets in. Women often can’t read these signs and blame themselves for the man’s behaviour.”

On the other hand, social activist and president of Dignity Foundation Sheelu Srinivasan argues that it is also the stress and constricted lifestyle in urban societies that is equally to blame. She says, “Commuting long distance everyday or stretched work hours can weaken the bond between the husband and wife. And when the bond is weak they are bound to not care about one another. Financial troubles, stress at the workplace and any kind of bottled up angst usually surfaces itself in the form of domestic abuse.”

Women aren’t the only victims:

While common perception holds men as perpetrators, the truth, argue experts, is quite the contrary. With an increasing number of victims belonging to the male gender, Dr Harish Shetty says that it is no longer a one-sided affair. “There is a lot of angst which comes along in such cases and domestic violence is no longer a one-dimensional affair where the man hits the woman. It’s the other way round too. The power equation in families is always unequal and tilts one way or the other. However, stereotypical men and women exist in good numbers too.”

Men’s rights activist and president of Save Indian Family Foundation, Rajesh Vakharia argues that while the situation has changed drastically, the law still remains one-sided. He says, “There is a need for gender neutral laws in the country which should serve the purpose they are meant to. We have our help lines across 450 cities in India, it receives approximately 120 to 150 calls from men seeking assistance from domestic violence and forged cases of dowry harassment on a daily basis.”

Celeb speak

Pooja Bedi: Sometimes celebrities don’t come out in the open due to fear of public humiliation and scrutiny. The fact that the media dissects such cases and is attracted towards them is what holds them back. Celebrities have a power to right a wrong. Domestic violence is not restricted to a particular strata of the society The fact that a solution needs to be sought at the very first instance of violence should be kept in mind.

Call for help: Mumbai Police and MCGM GPRS based helpline for Women in partnership with Akshara centre: 103

Domestic violence helpline by Abhay foundation: +91-9423827818

Visit www.domesticviolence helpline.com

Maharashtra Helpline for SIFF:

Rajesh Vakharia and team Call: 0-9890974788

Crisis Helpline for Sneha NGO for protection of women against violence : (+91 22) 2404 0045 (+91) 9833 052 684