Ranjona Banerji | Spice, Spite And Sharing, The New Retirement Dream

It’s such a cliché now. A group of friends in their 50s, or if they’re very forward-thinking then in their 40s, get into a discussion about what to do when they retire. And from there, you invariably discuss a dream about all living together in a shared space.

Fear not, if you haven’t had this chat yet, you probably will at some stage.

The first take is that this is, in India at least, a change in the family dynamic and a step away from traditional ideas of familial responsibility. Joint families are increasingly vanishing. Parents no longer want to be dependent on their children. And children who live away from home, or in other countries, get tied down by logistics, their children and their own lives.

In the old system, there was a lot of judgment at this stage and there is a bit of judgment still. How much is it the responsibility of the child to give up its life to care for a parent? If there are several children, how can the primary caretaker be fairly chosen? If one child provides the money — if that is required — and the other the time and space, is that an equitable division? And what about the parents themselves? Did they bring up their children with this expectation? Or did they send them out to find fulfilling lives, maybe in distant locations, only to pull on the heartstrings when they want?

There is of course no right answer. My generation did and still does fulfil that expectation of looking after our parents, for the most part. There are always issues between siblings of shared responsibilities and of course, with the parents themselves. Who moves home? How are the finances shared? In a house full of adults, where dependencies have changed and evolved, who calls the shots?

The big change is that people of my generation do not necessarily want to be looked after by our children or our families when we need that help. We no longer feel that expectation. Thus, the need to gather friends together and discover old age together, as we once discovered youth.

I want to make it clear that there is no value judgment in my thoughts, nor is there any geographical and societal value judgment. Across the world, children and parents grapple with this “problem” or “dilemma” or reality if you will. It is just that in some societies, the need for independent living as a senior citizen was realised faster than others. In many cases, this came from financial stability and both government and social understanding.

Here in the East, especially in India, we are quick to judge others as we “virtue signal” our tendency to look after each other in times of trouble and otherwise, as if only we feel love. And yet, we also know that many monsters lurk within the home, of patriarchy and exploitation. We are not special and nor is anyone else. A society which cherishes individual hopes over societal obligations has also been through a process to reach there.

I am making an exception here for debilitating diseases which need constant medical attention and for palliative care. These require special efforts, and one which society will increasingly struggle to deal with as we live longer as a species. Money is important, very important, but it is not enough.

But if you are blessed with reasonable health, then you have an expectation that the last days of your life will end with relaxation, comfort and very important, fun. This cannot come from your children and grandchildren alone. You need to envisage and prepare for a life of your own, with your own moments of joy and satisfaction. Which are not dependent on family alone.

And this is where that dream of living with friends comes in. Because you know each other’s foibles and think you can deal with them. Where you can come together when required and yet make allowances for distance and the need for solitude.

How much of this is a pipe dream and how much is feasible?

I would hazard that it is not that tough. Just anecdotally, I see people gathering into groups. Sometimes, they are “like-minded”. Sometimes they have the right amount of money, even if they have nothing in common. Sometimes, they move into a congregation hoping they will find a few friends and shared common interests.

Often, the last option can work better than the other two. Some people like community living and planned activities and entertainment. A space tailored to senior interests is perfect for them. But others — actually I mean too many — get easily drawn into the politics of building societies and thrive on internal intrigue and endless squabbles. This aspect of human behaviour has nothing to do with being senior and can be seen in communities across the world. So much potential for excellent murder mystery books, movies and serials!

Have I provided any answers? Of course not! But for my money, the grouping with old friends is my best resort for what lies ahead. There is affection, there is common ground and there is understanding. And all that adds up to a support system, which is at the basis of the concept. Nothing can replace family and children. But we all need help and it makes sense to build a community where help is understood and differences can be dealt with.

Will there be problems? Heck, yes! What’s life after all without a little spite and a little spice?