Grandparents, not babysitters

A Pune family court, in an unconventional order, has observed that grandparents are not substitutes for nannies. While passing orders on a woman’s plea for maintenance, the court said, “Grandparents may be there to support, guide and assist in raising the children. However, they should not be burdened to babysit grandchildren as their primary duty, by compromising their relaxation, entertainment and travel plan.” The court also added that grandparents are not to be blamed if a child needs to be put in a crèche. The court also added that it is the primary responsibility of the parents to look after their children. It is often seen that grandparents are presumed to be baby sitters and their love towards the grandchildren is taken as a sign of them being available for it. We talk to parents, senior citizens, advocates and child psychologists to know their take on this.

Kids are parents’ responsibility
Anuradha Menon, Parent, Comedian
I have always maintained that if you have a child, it is always your own responsibility to take care of the child and if the grandparents are around, it's only a bonus for you. A little bit of coordination is required from both ends as a great deal of give and take is needed. Long back, things were different. I was raised by my grandfather till I was 11. My studies and eating habits were all set because he was around. But times have changed and now everybody, irrespective of age, has a larger social life and commitments. So it would be unfair to exploit the idea that grandparents would like nothing more than taking care of their grandchildren. Your children are your responsibility and if the grandparents are free and willing to pitch in, it's always a bonus. But you can't burden them with the responsibility of raising a child.

Blame game unfair
Dr Nupur Dhingra Paiva, Child Psychologist
Love for children does not mean that an adult does not need a break from them. Would we 'blame' a parent if they need to send their child to a crèche?

Similarly, how can the question of 'blame' fall on a grandparent if their grandchild is placed in a crèche?

Looking after small children is an extremely demanding and repetitive task and in my experience, it takes three adults per child - one to look after the child, one to manage the house/kitchen and another one to work or provide for the family. It should be on a rotation basis so that the roles are not fixed and the child builds a bond with each adult.

‘Fulfill parenting role’
Diana Monterio, Child Psychologist
There is no problem at all if children are bonding with grandparents. But the main problem arises if the parents are not well connected with their children and they expect too many things from them, like listening to them in all matters, which will snowball into a huge problem. Parents should be able to fulfill their role of parenting or else, when the grandparents are no more, the children will find it hard to bond with the parents. If children can't understand their parents who keep imposing their expectations on them, it will make living a tough job.

‘Retired life is a time to relax’
Vimina Sujit, Child Psychologist
It is a correct move. If the grandparents are willing, it's fine. But they should not be forced to look after the grandchildren. It is the time they can finally relax in life and they should not suddenly be given the responsibility of raising their grandchildren. It is the duty of the parents to take care of the kids and it is fine if they get help, but otherwise they should find an alternative. Considering the parenting aspect, there are other factors too. Grandparents tend to over-pamper and spoil the kids while parents would be a little stricter.

‘Sacrifices are made by kids too’
Abha Singh, Lawyer
The law makes it clear that grandparents are not babysitters, but this understanding has to come voluntarily to parents who leave kids with grandparents. They can't be forced into babysitting because the law says that aged parents have to be taken care of by their children. So they are not the only ones to sacrifice their plans in raising their children's children. In many cases, I have seen parents voluntarily coming out to help with grandchildren so that their own children can go to work. Many might do that for their daughter, but not for their daughter-in-law owing to personal tussle. If the parents sue their children for not taking care of them, the court will pull up the children. So, babysitting has to be done with love and affection and not with force or blackmailing.