Money on my mind

With one fell swoop our prime minister cut short the lifeline of black money and all who subsisted on it. But, without realising so, he has also spelt the death knell for various relationships and the ripple effect will contribute to controlling the population in the long run. Here’s how all this will roll out:

Declaring income is a tough one for most middle and upper middle class Indians; too little and your social standing suffers, too high and the inspectors may come a-snooping. But tougher if one partner works and the other doesn’t, then it is tougher still for the domestic one to share just how much they have amassed by secretly pocketing from their partners. Nothing wrong there, attending to the house is a job unto itself and deserves remuneration and respect like any other job. Perhaps this drive will formalise the pay scale. So whichever partner is the stay-home component of the relationship will now stand to gain adequately.

Men, for their part, will now be more judicious with their money, evaluating every act for its worth before compensating for it. If the lovely lady clears my dinner plate I will remember it when tipping. Not shouting at us will also earn the ladies some points, especially when we forget dates and what it was you asked us to bring back from the market.

And before you hurl the sexist brick at me, remember this shall work both ways. For every thing we men do right we too would wish, nay, need to be compensated. So each time I leave the toilet seat down, remember to put things back from where I took them, clean up after me, shower daily, accompany you to a chic-flick, and so on… it will soon become clear why us men stand to make more money in this trade-off.

Boys on their first dates, which usually involves a movie or a lavish meal, will now cut back to furtive walks through parks with some shared ice cream. Along with this, forget flowers, stuffed toys, lame cards, and small gifts. This may be temporary but even after the worst is over, who’s to say that the dating standards couldn’t have been redefined for all future dates to happen? Alliances shall now start in the virtual world and only be taken live if there seems enough in it to pursue. Basically, to cut a long story short, a lot of girls will lead lonely lives while a lot of boys will now die virgins.

The worst thing about this paperless money is that all those lies we men tell about how much we spend on things now won’t have a leg to stand on. From the true price of my cycle to how much junk I truly buy online, from the number of drinks we boys actually had on our night out, to how much I spent on her diamond earrings versus how much (much more) I claimed, all this will now be outed.

Whoever thought that the finance and home ministry could link up so? In other words, relationships will now be more open, whether we like them that way or not.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine.