Tuesday, Oct 15, 2019 | Last Update : 09:31 PM IST

Part 2: You Can’t Hurry Love

THE ASIAN AGE. | NISHA JAMVWAL
Published : Jan 5, 2019, 1:00 am IST
Updated : Jan 5, 2019, 1:00 am IST

If you introspect and search within yourself for answers it would be crystal clear when the person you thought was a 'close friend' doesn't care.

Begin to spend that time nurturing other friends while you wean yourself away from this disinterested one. Maybe school friends or even a colleague who is interested in you as a person.
 Begin to spend that time nurturing other friends while you wean yourself away from this disinterested one. Maybe school friends or even a colleague who is interested in you as a person.

The give away signs of a one sided affection. If you introspect and search within yourself for answers it would be crystal clear when the person you thought was a 'close friend' doesn't care.

The tell-tale signs are dead give aways of whether you must step back and allow a pleasant acquaintanceship to exist happily in some remote background of your heart or work harder at making it work. Don't ignore these tell-tale signs. Don't cover up for a friend in your mind. You could make excuses to your spouse or parent in embarrassment yes- but please be honest with yourself.

Look out for the signs, introspect, be receptive to your own observations rather than deliberately overlook dead giveaways and obvious justifications which are more often than not made by you! Your friend cancels your friendship dates often; your friend never reciprocates a gesture; if you're upset your friend never brothers to ask what particular factor in the situation hurt you because she or he is too busy and too involved in their own issues to care or maybe even notice, even too busy to have a conversation, your friend is offhand about your presence and does not give you attention at their birthdays and anniversaries but invites you as an obligation. Your friend never takes a moment to appreciate you or notice any changes on your look or feel or mood.  Your friend takes every mobile call and is very distracted with her phone when around you nor gives you undivided attention in conversations? The bottom line is you're the only one trying here!

Be smart and before you get hurt start schooling yourself to move a few steps back. Do it gradually and be gentle with you. Too fast a withdrawal will make you want to rush back at the slightest hint of loneliness. Begin to spend that time nurturing other friends while you wean yourself away from this disinterested one. Maybe school friends or even a colleague who is interested in you as a person. Mutual respect is a biggie in a long lasting friendship. Never underestimate the power of mutual respect.

If you introspect and search within yourself for answers it would be crystal clear when the person you thought was a 'close friend' doesn't care. In that case don't be that doormat you so despise when you see that behaviour in others. You probably never faced the fact that somewhere along the line you became a doormat. You have set yourself up for a major let down, and this is your chance to wake up and move away without making it too obvious. No harm retaining that friend with as much nonchalance and superficial bon homie that she pulls off with such élan. It's a smart way of self-preservation. And no, I'm not saying that you must replace your intense personality and change into a 'fake'. I didn't. I merely worked on me so that I wouldn't become a hurt and cynical person, calcified by wounds that wouldn't heal due to repeated hurt? Instead I just taught myself to intuitively and observantly figure out friendships, to look for signs as well as look within my subconscious for pointers and respond accordingly.
And yes it is difficult to tell - especially in the beginning of a friendship when you are bowled over by your new friend- whether a friend is a caring deep person or a frivolous manipulator.

Take it slow, take your time to evaluate and grow into a together closeness. Don't rush. You cannot be a friend of someone's in a vacuum. You cannot force liking or affection. You cannot explain, complain and make it happen. These things mostly are instinctive and begin from a point of mutual attraction and a desire for camaraderie with you. There are your type of people out there, let the misfit go and open the door and let something more pleasant in.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com

Tags: mutual respect