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  Life   Health  28 Nov 2018  Here's why you shouldn't force your child to apologise

Here's why you shouldn't force your child to apologise

Published : Nov 28, 2018, 2:18 pm IST
Updated : Nov 28, 2018, 2:18 pm IST

Here's what experts have to say

Representational Image. (Photo: Pixabay)
 Representational Image. (Photo: Pixabay)

Washington - Exploring ways to help your child learn to harbour empathy, thus ensuring a sincere apology, is more constructive than immediately coercing a reluctant "I'm sorry," a recent study suggests.

According to the research, parents who force unremorseful kids to apologize to others before they're truly sorry may do more harm than good.The new study from the University of Michigan looked at whether children distinguish between willingly given and coerced expressions of remorse.

It turns out, they do!"Make sure the child understands why the other person feels bad, and make sure the child is really ready to say 'I'm sorry'. Then have them apologize," said Craig Smith, lead author of the study. The study appeared in the journal of Merrill-Palmer Quarterly.

"Coercing your child to apologize is going to backfire. Other kids don't view that apologizer as likable. The teachable element of having the child apologize has gone away and the goal of the apology prompt--to help your child express remorse, soothe someone else's hurt feelings and make your child more likable--is lost," Smith added.

The team of researchers looked at how children aged between 4-9 viewed three types of apology scenarios among peers: unprompted apologies, prompted but willingly given apologies, and coerced apologies.They found that kids viewed willing apologies the same, whether prompted or unprompted by adults.

But the coerced apologies weren't seen as effective, especially by the 7 to 9-year-olds, Smith said. All children viewed the transgressors as feeling worse after the apology than before, but the 7to 9-year-old children through the coerced apologizers' bad feelings were rooted in self-interest (concern about punishment, for example), rather than remorse.

How can parents help their young children respond with empathy after they've upset another person, and ultimately deliver a willing apology "When your child is calm, help them see how the other person is feeling, and why," Smith said.

"An apology is one way to do it, but there are lots of ways. Research shows that even preschoolers value it when a wrongdoer makes amends with action. Sometimes this is more powerful than words." 

Tags: behaviour, psychology, parenting