Heir, apParent!

When it comes to parenthood, women, and even men, can’t wait for love to come knocking

The Vedas and Upanishads consider matredhana as the most spiritual of life’s progressions. The Puranas too say motherhood is the single most important part of womanhood. While scriptures might be far from what is pushing single, unwed women and men to experience the joys of parenthood, the unquenchable urge to have a child is omnipresent.

These individuals have broken through barriers clichéd and societal trappings of a husband, wife, marriage or partner be damned.

Kolkata-based Anindita Sarbadhicari, a freelance filmmaker and single mother by choice had her son through IVF and a sperm donor. There are many like her. Lavanya Vasisht (name changed), a 35-year-old from Bengaluru chose to have her daughter through a donor sperm and Mumbai-based fashion designer Rutu Parikh chose surrogacy.

Many men too want to enjoy parenthood without the trappings of a marriage. Vishal Agnihotri (name changed), a businessman in Bengaluru had his son through donor eggs and a surrogate. Today, his son is five and daddy’s a full-time parent, reveling in the joys of parenting.

For Anindita, an NSD and FTII graduate, the path was clear when a relationship fell through and she started thinking of a possibility of not finding love, but having a baby.

“I do believe in love. In fact, as a filmmaker, I have made a series in Bengali, all true stories, so love can be found even at 70! When I entered my 30s, I asked a gynac friend, Dr Biju Singh, about freezing my eggs. He suggested IUI (intrauterine insemination). It took me three years to muster the strength. I decided that I couldn’t wait for a dad, but maybe my child and I can find one together! You make your own society. If I cannot accelerate the change I want to see, who will

“But it did scare me, bringing a person into my life, being responsible for him. Knowing that he will be totally vulnerable to society. After many a deliberation, I started with IUI. People asked why I didn’t adopt I wanted to experience the magic of being a mother. I wanted to feel the flutters and kicks, the whole deal. And it’s not easy going month after month for injections, pumping hormones, waiting for tests, and failures.

“It was terribly depressing so I decided to go for IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and one Dr Rohit Gutgutia helped me have my son. In May of 2013, I got pregnant. I took off from work to spend the first two years with him and there was money to think of, as it’s very expensive.” says Anindita, whose son is now two.

Dr Aniruddha Malpani, a Mumbai-based IVF specialist says, “Women today are aware of advanced methods. They are no longer bound by the shackles of their biological clocks. We have been getting requests for a decade, but the past two to three years have seen a surge. Social support and personal courage are the key.”

For Lavanya, an Army kid, it was the paucity of someone to share a life with, and not waiting endlessly. Today, her bundle of joy, daughter Irya, is two months old.

While society didn’t make it easy, nor did India’s laws that demand a father’s name. In the end it was a simple matter of going to the local registrar and getting a certificate and an affidavit. Rejoicing in the joys of motherhood, she says, “She is a hungry horse and slowly we have fallen into a nice routine.”

Vishal A., who lost his mother when he was two, and was raised by his father was very clear. He wanted a child, irrespective of a partner.

“My father was my support system and the buck stopped with him. In fact, my father was against the idea of a donor and surrogacy and many questioned my resolve, though not the impulse. We interviewed two mothers and luckily, we got two A+ eggs, one was frozen.

“Being a single father is wonderful and given that I was quite a brat and most irresponsible, I barely even remember my mother but for a picture. My father did a wonderful job so, I guess my son has me and we are slowly working out the checks and balances. Besides, today, many single parents are doing a splendid job so what two parents can do, I don’t do any different,” says Vishal.

For Rutu, her IVF journey began at 37 when without a partner, she ached for motherhood. “My parents were supportive and so were my brothers. I wanted to experience motherhood. My daughter Ahilya is now 18-months-old, a surrogate child born from my eggs and donor sperm,” recalls Rutu with a smile.

For all these courageous moms and dads, it’s been a tough and lonely battle to hear that welcome wail. “It was not easy. We tried for two years and I even lost hope, but my mother encouraged me. In December of 2013, when Dr Firuza told me I was expecting, I was ecstatic. My child was born in a petri dish after a five-day procedure, before being implanted in a surrogate uterus. IVF is an art, my biological clock was ticking and I did not want to opt for an adoption,” Rutu adds.

Lavanya had some angst-filled moments too.

“Motherhood alone is the most enriching experience but it can test you, so steel your nerves or you will breakdown. There was a lot of trash talk at work. Speculations on the child’s antecedents. It pays to be thick skinned. Getting a birth certificate was straightforward but I am expecting a lot of intrusive questions when I get her passport.”

Schools also play a huge part and for Rutu, the school Ahilya will soon start in was supportive. “I know when she grows up, she will ask, ‘You have a Mamma and Papa, where is my Papa I will not beat around the bush and I’ll tell her that I wanted her in my life and so I had her,” explains Rutu.

Mumbai-based Dr Firuza Parikh explains, “They are courageous men and women who break social barriers. Several women have chosen the path of single parenthood, some opt for surrogacy, a few bolder ones carry the baby. It’s not unusual for single men also to request a close woman friend to donate eggs. It’s a prudent decision as the biological clock cannot be reversed. For single men the decision is more complicated as it involves donor eggs and surrogacy. If the individual has a stable relationship with the child, it can go a long way in bonding and not create social issues later.”

Anindita grew up with emancipated parents who were into theatre, had eloped, were Communists, so all this gave her the courage to come out and be an inspiration for others. She says, “I had a book, Single Mother By Choice, which was my Bible. There is also a support group in America where men offer to be father figures for single mothers. My mother, who passed away some time ago was my strength, so there is not a single question I will not answer (except for the identity of the father, as it was through a sperm bank). I am doing this so others like me are empowered.

Their babies have brought these individuals sheer joy, but one other thing brings them closer — they all come from progressive families.

“At the end of the day, it’s what makes you happy. My father gave me a balanced life, and I don’t see why I cannot do the same,” says Vishal, who also has a full-time nanny for his son.

But the proverbial question still hangs: “Who is the mama or papa”

Anindita enthuses, “I will tell him (her son) that I wanted him so badly and I couldn’t wait for a dad. Society is not a static lump, it evolves. During Durga Puja when mum and I told friends about my baby, they embraced the idea, and we were swamped with love.”

But single parenthood is still not an accepted norm in Indian society, and psychologists have conservative views. “I think it’s necessary for a child to have both a mother and father for overall development. While I’m all for women opting not to marry, I think it’s selfish to choose to raise a child alone, simply because a child needs the care a woman can give and the playfulness and life lessons from a man. Without being nurtured by both parents, the child will not be hardy and well rounded. If it’s a girl child, she’ll miss out on having a father figure and will look up to someone else, a friend’s dad or celebrity, which is not realistic. In the case of a boy, he may not develop sex appropriate roles, with no one to model himself around,” explains Swarnalatha Iyer of the Indian Institute of Psychology and Research.

But these single parents feel differently. Anindita’s father is the constant male figure in her son Agnisnato’s life and for Rutu, her brothers are a constant in Ahilya’s life.

“For now, I just want to work on bonding with her so she is secure in the knowledge that mom is her safe place,” says Lavanya, while Anindita adds, “It is a very lonely path. It took me three years to prepare myself. The failures, highs, there is no one to share it with but if you have to do it, don’t wait, as the more you wait, the more questions keep popping up.”

And today, she feels blessed. “There is no word in the dictionary to explain the sheer joy of having my son. He was that wish in my heart and I named him Agnisnato as he came swimming through fire to me.”

The cost is also a deterrent, as one IVF cycle can cost close to Rs 1.5 lakh, and having a surrogate ups the cost many times over. What’s important for all these parents is, “Welcoming a baby, actually allowing women to own their bodies so they can confidently choose,” says Lavanya.

None of them have given up on love, and with parenthood teaching them life’s biggest lessons, what they have done is made a choice that changed their lives forever.

With inputs from Aarti Bhanushali and Rashmi Rajagopal Lobo