Of grandeur and cliches

There are some subjects that are just ready fodder to turn into books, films, plays and whatnots. Marriages, in India, are one such subject. Strangely, not enough is written about them. One only hears about those big marriages; where crores are spent. Delhi is known to have thousands of them in one day. They are ridiculous, outlandish, over-the-top, extravagant, they are mostly about showing your neighbour, your business associate and whoever else is watching that “look, mine is longer than yours”.

Ostentatious marriages are like Indian Premier League parties: we may peek through the gaps in the upholstered fences, but we can never get in. Most of us have to settle for a regular marriage (some take it to court these days, preferring to spend on their honeymoon instead). So, when one sees a book about them, aptly titled The Big Indian Wedding: A Guide for Dummies it fills one with hope. Finally, an insider account of a world most of us won’t get to see. But hope is a false drug and yet again, it fails us.

This book is written in second person. By someone with first-hand experience in this business of marriages. The subject is perfect for a quick read. But the book is painfully slow.

It has the quality of a hot Delhi summer afternoon. It is constant, relentless and boring. Time is relative indeed, you realise. But given the subject and Salve’s sarcasm (that does shine through every now and then), you persist with it. Hoping some turn of page might turn this into a book you expected it to be.

But the pages don’t turn any faster at any point. After a few chapters, you realise you’ve bought the mother of all clichés without throwing up a single new insight. There’s the planner, the shopping, the bachelorette, the never-ending ceremonies, the actual wedding — it is a crazy ride but somehow, still boring! Though it is an insider’s account, the book doesn’t tell you anything new about marriages that you didn’t already know peeking through those gaps. Karan Johar shows us grandeur and clichés but he does it in an entertaining way. The language is simple and easy to understand but it’s too simple. It’s full of cheesy dialogues. They just don’t make you laugh, let alone chuckle. Of course, there are some moments — the kinds of marriages, for instance (Bhansali vs Yash Raj) when Salve’s mettle shines through. But those are far and few in between.

The book, as promised is a guide for dummies. It handholds the middle-class reader through the process called a marriage. It tells us about all the people and shenanigans involved in one. Right from the planner to the number of events — everything is almost impossible to believe. Yet, it exists.

You realise that fact is indeed stranger than fiction. You wish it were funnier too. After a point, the real problem with the book is the nagging question “why should I read further”. Given that you know you won’t be able to afford any of this you fail to see how this book shall help you. It won’t help you in holding a conversation at a party (like say, a philosophical book might); it won’t help you plan your wedding (you can’t afford jack); and lastly, it won’t help you laugh at others either (or cry at how middle class you are). It doesn’t move you in any way.

Another aspect to the book is the illustrations. The illustrations are stylish but lack the refinement to make them stand out. One wonders if they could have been used better — rather than its current state wherein they’re just clubbed together! Perhaps, they could have been used as chapter titles Perhaps as page breaks Anything to break the monotony of the actual writing! The illustrations could have easily breathed some life into the dull text but alas aren’t.

As if the book itself is not average enough, Salve puts in a little epilogue about how she is jesting in the book. Ha! We would have never guessed, thanks for that heads up. What’s most surprising is you reach the epilogue. Probably it’s the subject, probably it’s hope because definitely it is not the writing.

You keep wondering what would have made this immensely promising book better Perhaps if it was written like a story with its own Raj and Simran Perhaps a different format like a Q&A instead of dull commentary Perhaps the whole thing could have been written as if an emcee is presenting it (Given that Salve has “emcee-ed” weddings before).

Omkar Sane is an author, a film writer and a Mumbaikar