Welcome to Boris in Wonderland, with the supporters of democracy

Columnist  | Farrukh Dhondy

Opinion, Oped

The date is significant because it’s when witches and other mythical creatures emerge and demand a trick or treat.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson (Photo: AFP)

“On seeing you I first realise
That charm is a just a trick of the eyes
And knowing you I finally confirm
That love is just a mad enterprise
Where will you take my captive spirit now,
Trapped in the web of your beautiful brow?
From Courageous Take the Bride Tr. By Bachchoo

Gentle readers, friends, unicorns, welcome to Boris in Wonderland. The Mad Hatter, having pulled 17.2 million mythically miracle votes using lying spells, is now the Prime Minister of Wonderland. His first move as such was to appoint a character from another myth called Dom Foxy Cummings as his chief adviser.

Hatter and Foxy have promised the 17.2 million deceived guests at their T-Party table that whatever happens, Wonderland would leave the Futureland Eunion by the 31st of October, which happens to be Halloween.

The date is significant because it’s when witches and other mythical creatures emerge and demand a trick or treat. In this case and this year in Wonderland, the trick has been played on the poor 17.2 million by telling them that leaving the Futureland Eunion would immediately project this green and pleasant place into the 52nd state of the United States of Trumpiana where they would enjoy the treats of Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Yes Foxy, the Hatter and other associates such as Sad Javid and Pratty Patel have promised Wonderland new treats such as 10,000 more prison places, 20,000 more police and stopping at the border all the Lost Boys from Neverland who try and enter the country.

No, gentle reader, the Hatter, Foxy, Sad, Pratty and gang can keep up the fantasy and will, because they love the power and the dicey deals which will enrich their hedge-fund and tax-dodging associates, but I shall go no further.

Or perhaps just a little. Apologies.

This week the Hatter visits Germany and France to talk to their respective leaders, Mama Merkel and Macaroni, and has publicly demanded that the Futureland Eunion revise the deal which will come into play when Wonderland withdraws. He has demanded that the one rule in the deal known as the Backstopper, which will keep the border between the north of Ireland, which is (at the date of writing) still in Wonderland, and real Ireland to the south. Hatter has, prompted by Foxy, said that this Backstopper is “undemocratic”.

Boris, when told by Foxy to use this word again and again, asked Foxy, “The question is, Foxy, can you make one word mean so many different things?”

“The question,” replied Foxy, “was who is to be master, that is all!”

So, Hatter obediently began to use the word, even though he and Foxy well knew that the Mad Hatter had achieved the post of Prime Minister through the votes of the Mad Hatter’s T, or Tory Party members, who number 0.07 per cent of Wonderland’s population. Yes, you can make the word “democratic” mean so many different things when you want to be master. That is all.

The Hatter and Foxy know that sooner or later the people of Wonderland will see through this pretence of being the supporters of democracy. Already the northern Scooterland has said that the rabbit which the Hatter pulled out of his hat smells distinctly of rat and has threatened it will scoot out of Wonderland.

Which is why Pratty and Sad and the gang are preparing for a general election by promising Wonderland more police, more prisons, longer jail sentences and now even saying that if the Lost Boys who are already here take one step out of Wonderland to visit their mums and dads or whatever, they will not be allowed back.

These policies are expected to get the 17.2 million Gullibles on Foxy and Hatter’s side. The Opposition parties of Wonderland have no such brains and no such tricks. While the Hatter’s gang makes all these presumably vote-winning repressive policies, the Laborious Party, the largest in the Opposition, has announced that it will pass a law against grouse-shooting on the moors. No doubt, their next announcement will be new laws to regulate rat control. Dynamic, vote-winning stuff.

The leader of Labourious has called on all parties to unite behind him to pass a motion of no-confidence in the Hatter’s government through Parliament. If the Opposition, with all their members, vote for this and are joined by even one or two members of the governing Mad Hatter’s T Party, the government will have to resign. Then, under the existing law, the Opposition has 14 days to put together a new government of national unity.

The Laborious Party, the largest of the Opposition, insists that its leader be interim Prime Minister. Other Opposition parties insist they don’t want him there and have suggested other figureheads to head such a government till a general election is called.

Caroline Lucas, the only MP representing the light Green Party in Wonderland’s Parliament, has proposed that such an interim government be run by a Cabinet consisting entirely of women. She argues that women who are in some senses more sensible than power-hungry men will get Wonderland out of the mess it has got itself into since 17.2 million of its voters fell for the lies of the Hatter and Foxy. She said, “Women prefer a less combative and aggressive style and don’t do as much standing up and shouting on the floor of the House.”

She may be right on decibels and no doubt on the point of women politicians not being aggressive, she has carefully assessed the career of Margaret Thatcher and possibly even looked into the gentle and compromise-loving ways of Indira Gandhi, Sirimavo  Bandaranaike, Golda Meir, Mayawati, Mamata Banerjee, Eva Peron, Jayalalithaa…

Of course, you can make one word mean many different things, but the question is who is to be mistress — that is all!

Or was Ms Lucas basing her observations on Cleopatra?