“Oh Bachchoo let’s have due regard
For the story-telling genius of Scheherazade
Who over a thousand and one nights
Scaled creation’s narrative heights
She held a king under her spell
Assuring him there was more to tell
And so, with each inventive breath
Do story-tellers stave off death.”
From Lambey Laments by Bachchoo
To: UK Home Office, 2 Marsham Street, London SW
My dear Priti Patelji,
I am writing to apply for the post of Chief Speechwriter for which you advertised this week. Your advertisement specifies that “the successful candidate will be someone who can imitate the Home Secretary’s personal style”.
Let me start by saying, Pritiji, that I have closely followed your career, from the time you were thrown out of your job by the then PM Theresa May, for attempting unofficial deals and private contact with Israeli officials and businesswallas, to when you favoured hanging and capital punishment, to your generous policies regarding police pay, illegal entrants to Britain and your speeches attacking anti-terrorism and the Covid crisis.
I am sure that, being a Parsi with a knowledge of fluent Gujarati, I am best qualified for the job. Please tear up and bin any applications from Goras, Punjabis, Pakistanis, Bengalis, etc. None of them will understand the prejudices you have imbibed as a child of immigrant shopkeepers from Uganda. I must confess never having been to Uganda or kept a shop, but as a writer of stage plays, etc, I constantly think myself into the mentality, prejudices, and styles of thought and speech of different characters. I am sure you will consider this my Trump card (I know you got the joke. Ha ha!).
Of course, I don’t expect you to call me instantly and offer me the job without testing my abilities to deliver superb text in your voice, so I am setting out some samples below:
The first is a sample address to the Tory Conference.
“Comrades, Lords and Ladies, I stand before you as your new Home Secretary appointed by our brilliant elected Prime Minister Doris Bronson who has very perceptively recognised my fantastic talents for this job. I am fully aware of the heavy responsibility that this places on my head such as keeping the wogs out of the country (loud cheers and standing ovation), making the police more effective by cutting their numbers and pay (shuffling in the audience), zero tolerance for criminals with a lock-up-and-throw-away-the-key approach, with the building of five thousand more jails and bringing back hanging (second standing ovation) — er um… I didn’t mean by ropes, I meant hanging as in suspending people, like my Chief Civil Servants if they express any opinions….”
I guarantee Pritiji, these thoughts of yours which I have humbly attempted to put into words will get you to be PM after this fellow --whose name you characteristically forget. Secondly, here is a sample address to the Police Federation as you are now in charge of all PC Plods.
“My brave and dedicated servants of the law, let me start by announcing that I intend to immediately boost police pay (huge applause and cat calls). I have instructed my office to see that every police officer gets paid at least £3 and 12 shillings per week (total silence). This is in recognition of the fantastic work your forces are doing in fighting and combating anti-terrorism, which must be wiped off the face of this planet. (Huge cheers from Islamicist policemen) ….
And next, Pritiji, your address to the House of Commons on immigration.
“Mr Speaker, the gravest crisis facing this country is not the shortage of grave-diggers caused by the Covid virus, but the illegal entry of immigrants and so-called asylum seekers across our land-borders with Europe. The previous Labour government under Terrestrial May lived up to its Prime Minister’s name by declaring that these criminals May use the Terrestrial tunnels to enter our country (Here you pause for the laughter that will certainly follow this joke!). I propose, Mr Speaker, to build a wall across these borders with barbed wire on top to stop people coming in. We shall have a Ugandan and Cayman Island style immigration policy by which all Asians will have to leave the country and only tax-dodgers and drug lords will be admitted to the free ports declared by our hedgey-boy chancellor Wishy Anorak. Doris has already told me that he will get the Norwegians to pay for this wall….”
And then perhaps Pritiji, the PM may ask you to take to the TV lectern to address the nation on the Covid crisis and the government’s efforts to combat it in accordance to the science. So, here’s what you might say:
“It is with great sadness that the statistics today reveal that Britain has suffered 66 million deaths in the last 24 hours. My thoughts and condolences go out to all these deaths’ families. Now despite some mother lovers opposing lockdown, what the epicologists, etc tell us that not only is lockdown a good thing, we should also have lock-up — which means anyone who tests positive for Covid should be locked up and the key thrown away. And if any scientist or civil servant opposes my sane policies they can bloody-well F-off and die — effing wankers — I know where you live…”
Your future ventriloquist,