Rotten apples and dowry

There may finally be an answer to the question of why men ask for dowry from their brides, and it might not be what you expect.

The other day, listening to the woes of a bright young lady who decided to momentarily take a step left of her own hard-earned wisdom and marry a man who has basically turned out to be a walking-talking turd, it finally dawned on me: why men ask for dowry.

Let me start by drawing a parallel. Well, somewhat. Have you ever invested in a timeshare holiday package What they do is make you invest a sizeable amount up front, followed by seemingly low payments thereafter. The brochure never advertises the shitty service nor are they entirely honest about the crappy rooms that you will get as part of your “package”. And any self-respecting vacationer with family would sooner stay in a modest hotel than here, but the lock-in amount is too large to not be considered. And so people succumb to this clever ploy, becoming victims of holidays from hell, all because of a hefty downpayment.

Dowry is exactly that. Men know that there is nothing they can do to make a woman stay married to them by sheer will. Even if Mills-&-Boons’ version of love blinds them, or the raw hope that their man is different and will eventually, somewhat, mature overpowers them, they do snap out of it and once they do, there is no stopping them. They’ll leave and go on to lead extremely fulfilling lives. Men will try and act single but if you think the teen years were bad, being single with a paunch is worse. Hence, dowry. It will, men believe, tie the woman down and she’ll perhaps think twice before opting for the alternative. And although women aren't money-minded here, they just stop and think of the overall expenditure their family may have gone through during the wedding and many end up staying in unhappy couplings on account of some self-imposed moral obligation. Well, it’s all wrong: dowry, callous men, suppressed women, even Mills & Boons. People need to live in the real world.

Brothers, we owe it to the lady we choose to annoy for the rest of our lives to play more than merely nice. They should want to stay on, not have to. And women, stop believing that men improve; millions of years of evolution and we still fart and burp incessantly. Lower your expectations and be realistic. Living with a man is much like living in an animal barn with the slight exception that animals listen and can be potty (and party) trained.

And you, ladies, have a great sixth sense; the girl can always tell when I have forgotten something important. All of you can smell a rotten apple even before it’s fallen off the tree. So if the guy makes unreasonable demands before you have even formalised your union, cut your losses and back off. A single life is much more rewarding for a woman than it is for a man. This is the wisdom I have acquired in all my years on the planet and the humility bears well for me.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine