Relationship: Magic words

‘'Sorry’ and ‘thank you’ may be quick to articulate, but they can have a long-term impact on any relationship depending on their use, or lack thereof. Use them often and use them well.

I was driving home on one of the city’s main thoroughfares, when a parked car loomed out, rashly attempting to join the mainstream, and nearly crashed into my vehicle. I swerved and saved the impact from happening, pulled down my window and let out all the expletives I knew, at the reckless man behind the wheel, ending with, “Join a driving school and learn driving, idiot!” The disaster averted, the man apologised good-naturedly. I drove away, thanking the man in my mind for preventing a foul mood that might have overflowed into the rest of my day.

In that way, one must acknowledge that ‘sorry’ is an empowered word. Its bigness lies often in its ability to bring forth a conciliatory reaction, even forgiveness, and generally implies a putting aside of one’s ego. I personally put great faith in the power of this and allied polite words like ‘thank you’, ‘please’ etc. They are words that convey respect for another person. The absence of them within relationships can bring about a lack of well-being. Close relationships are, unfortunately, often taken for granted.

I have a friend who puts in a lot of care and effort to do things for the comfort or pleasure of her husband, and he laps it up with no words to indicate appreciation. If she draws attention to this, he cursorily says a matter-of-course thing or two. He is not an unfeeling man either — he loves her in his own way. Perhaps these courtesies were not a part of his upbringing.

Of course, there are also cases of the strange small-heartedness that exists where a person takes all that comes his way and consciously begrudges a ‘thank you’ as if he would be losing something by saying it.

So many relationships languish because one member feels unappreciated. Mutual appreciation and acknowledgement of effort are extremely important for any relationship to truly thrive and grow.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who earnestly tells me not to read too much into these lacks. She says that too much expectation only makes one the embittered party. She may have a point. Sometimes, thanks or sorry need to be conveyed not in words but with actions that express the same appreciation in another manner.

I know of some man-woman relationships that hang from a cliff with chasms in between, merely because of unmoving egos. He just could not say sorry. She just never appreciated him no matter what he did for her. The larger picture is meant to be about love, large-heartedness, forgiveness and nurturing valued relationships. A sprinkling of those little ‘nice’ words certainly enhance bonhomie and sweeten life’s journey.

When I was really young, I remember a friend telling me that if you say ‘sorry’ you might be put on the back foot where even if you are not viewed as making a mistake, your saying the word will cement a sense of error. I disagree and believe that the truth is quite the opposite. Sorry disarms and cools down a person who is feeling wronged. An apology is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength displayed in human relationships, where you are the bigger person who gives the relationship more importance than ego. To come out and say ‘thank you’, too, is no small feat. Both words denote introspection and a sense of value for the person you say them to.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com