The 17-year itch

Relationship experts weigh in the reasons for a disunion after a long-term marriage.

2016 doesn’t seem to be particularly in favour of matters of love. While fans are still getting over the Farhan-Adhuna divorce after 16 years of marriage, Arbaaz Khan and Malaika Arora Khan too are reportedly heading for splitsville. Bollywood celebrities in the past too have stunned fans after deciding to part ways with their long-wedded partners.

Om Puri for instance, split with his wife after 26 years of marriage. Aamir Khan divorced his first wife Reena Dutta after 15 years of marriage. And recently, Hrithik Roshan separated from Sussanne Khan after 14 years of marriage. Why after all these years would one take such a step Relationship experts tell us that they see a pattern here.

Life coach Milind Jadhav observes that unresolved conflicts during the initial stage of marriage is often the cause for a late divorce. He observes, “It is common for couples to disagree and to create conflict but when the root cause of the conflict remains unresolved, this will create unrest in the relationship. As the years go by, the partners either continuously resist each other’s behaviour or ‘put up’ with the behaviour. ‘Putting up’ is not the same as acceptance. ‘Putting up’ is about being resigned and cynical and that creates resentment. Eventually there comes a time when both partners have run out of energy either to fight back or to tolerate each other and that’s when they call it quits.”

Unfulfilled expectations and incompatibility are two of the most prominent reasons for a divorce after a long-term relationship spanning decades, says life coach Khyati Birla. “These also include one waiting for the other partner to give the marriage the importance it deserves in terms of fidelity, emotional investment, fulfilling responsibilities, understanding each other etc.”

Taking the responsibility of restoring the relationship and accepting the partners the way they are, is the key to prevent the marriage from falling apart, feels Milind. “As years go by, people change. When people marry, often they forget that the person they’re marrying won’t stay the same say, two years later, five years later or 15 years later.” Change is inevitable and a natural process. “People often say, ‘He/she is not the same person I married!’ Of course not. It’s important to accept people as they change. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to agree with people. You just have to understand that your partner is ‘different’ from you and that’s okay,” he adds.

Adding more meaning in one’s relationship and not taking the partner for granted always helps, asserts wellness coach Veechi Shahi. “Don’t depend on marriage to change your boring, purposeless life to some romantic dreamy affair. One has to make individual efforts to be a better person each day and not take the other person for granted. If one does that, marriages would last forever... because love cannot be lost or finished forever.”