:: Cyrus Broacha

Tickling stomachs in memoriam

By Cyrus Broacha

Apr 05 : In the present political and social climate (not to mention the actual 41°C heat), no day could have more significance than April 1. Everyone is familiar with the idea of April 1, where one is expected to play pranks on one another. Amongst the most popular include the one I played on my wife, when I suggested we get married on April 1. This offer was happily accepted. However, the next day, when I broke the gag to her, the wife-to-be returned serve with one of her own. Apparently she had backdated the marriage certificate to March 31 — the marriage stood and the gag was declared null and void.

Obviously there are many ways to play gags on this sacred day but, as with most religious festivals, few are aware of the origins of this august day, which incidentally falls well before August. Since our newspapers are inundated daily with thirsty readers wanting to know more, I’ve studied this whole April 1 phenomenon and this is what I’ve learned:

April 1 was originally not even called April First. It was, indeed, known by it’s earlier name of February the 22nd, and it was also known by its original name of December 9th. December 9th in turn was September 15th, which it turns out was actually August 7th. This may sound a little confusing but keep in mind this was during the reign of King Claudius. Claudius ruled the Roman world more than 1900 years ago. His empire include Rome (both inner and outer suburbs), Milan Palermo Greece, Turkey, Macedonia, Gaul and Sector 43 Chandigarh. Claudius was an incorrigible prankster. For his own coronation he came to the court nude. On his aunt Thelma’s 76th birthday, he gave her as a present — a ferocious man-eating bear who promptly ignored aunt Thelma and instead went after Claudius. At the birth of his twin sons, Claudius and Claudius, he offered a gift of 16 "sesterite" to every citizen of Rome. Upon receiving the money they were immediately taxed 25 "sesterites". Many couldn’t afford the tax and were forced into slavery, cursing all three Claudius’ (or to use this Latin plural, Claudui), on the way.

Claudius’ reign of 16 years was absolutely insignificant except for his penchant for pranks. The birth of All Fools’ Day turned out to be his masterpiece, his magnum opus, his life’s work.

At the age of 53, 9 (Roman) 62 (Greek), he hastily organised his version of the Olympic Games called the Romanpic Games. Here the most pristine of disciplines was the Toga Race. Over a period of 100 metres a competitor would run at break-neck speed, being chased by a giant Toga. The winner of the Toga chase was also crowned Mr Romanpic. The losers sadly were usually devoured by the Togas and were never seen again, at least out of the Roman Baths.

On this particular day, as his favourite Corianlanus led the pack, Claudius ran down to greet him. Unfortunately, a group of Togas, hot on the favourite’s heels, collided with the Emperor who disappeared in a collage of Togas, never to be seen again. His last words were, "Who changed the damn signal?" followed by a curt, "Oh! God! Aah!", in Roman which actually is "Oh! God! Aah!". The public was shocked although that didn’t stop them from cheering. The rest of the games passed peacefully, but at their conclusion it was decided to pay a tribute to the memory of the missing Emperor.

Many options were put forward, like renaming a town square or tickling all citizens’ stomachs for two minutes, which was the Roman equivalent for a two-minute silence. Finally, a committee came together to honour Claudius in the way he as man of whom juvenility was a passion nay an art form. The day he died being April the first (February 22nd), it was accepted that henceforth this day would be called Claudius Day, Toga Day, All Fools’ Day or Tuesday. As the years marched on, the other three names faded into oblivion and April 1st came to be known as All Fools’ Day.

With our General Elections round the corner, All Fools’ Day 2009 has been of even greater significance. HAPPY APRIL FOOL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!