:: Cyrus Broacha

On path to greatness, do not take a turtle along

Cyrus Broacha

As I finished my treatise on the Positivity gained through pre-existentialism (a working title, please note. I’m also toying with other options such as Lucy, Twenty Seven & Tales from Oppenheimer) I’m about to embark on what arguably is my life’s greatest work, perhaps along with gardening, a paper on how to be a Greater person.

Let’s face it — all human beings are obsessed with visions of greatness. This is what separates us from other animals, this and the fact that until now most animals don’t file tax returns or propagate hip hop music. Tell me honestly, have you not been guilty of looking in the mirror and pronouncing yourself as great.

I have seen naked men with very little to show, and I mean very little to show, beating their chests in front of the mirror... although why I spend so much time staring at little naked men beating their chests is something my wife should be worried about.

Throughout history, those who’ve achieved greatness did it solely as a compensation for a perceived fraility. Napolean, for example, was shorter than a lantern, Alexander the Great couldn’t grow facial hair, Genghis Khan couldn’t speak French, Adolf Hitler wasn’t allowed entry to Hamburg’s singles club as he was deemed far too unattractive... poor fellow. And Michael Jackson wasn’t allowed to wear skirts and take his pet turtle for a jog. Let me clarify, it wasn’t like he couldn’t wear skirts or that he couldn’t run with his turtle, he was just disallowed from wearing a skirt and jogging with a turtle at the same time, much to the turtle’s relief.

The point I’m unable to convey here is that we must first identify our main weakness and secondly we must avoid keeping turtles as pets.

Once you know what your weakness really is, your path to greatness becomes clearer. Once Napolean realised he was shorter than a toadstool, he stopped holding rave parties in places where toadstools grew in abundance. Once Genghis Khan realised he’d never understand French, he stuck to ordering only Thai takeaway. Besides, Genghis was a notoriously poor tipper, and you know how easily the French can take umbrage... Hitler, on the other hand, seized power and closed all the single clubs in Hamburg, and not satisfied with this he closed Hamburg. And such was the force with which he closed Hamburg, that I’m told, Hamburg will only be ready for a reopening by late April next year. (Scientific fact: When Hitler closed Hamburg, he hurt his little finger which is why his own Seig Heil involves only four fingers, since his fifth wouldn’t cooperate ).

Each of us has to evaluate how to make up for your weakness, and this could be direct or indirect. If my weakness is failure to brush teeth, I could attain greatness directly by removing all my teeth or by never opening my mouth. Conversely, I could tread the path to greatness indirectly by becoming a dentist, or better still, a dentine dictator whose first humanitarian act would be banning of brushing of teeth followed by the destruction of all tooth brushes and in the lower class, all index fingers.

I implore all readers who haven’t attained greatness to get cracking on it now. Be inspired by Shakespeare’s last couplet from the sonnet Elegance of Fragility, which ends like this:

"On the path 2 be great,

Tis better nay 2 be late."

PS: Shakespeare was bald as an egg from the age of four and only became a writer to avenge himself against the village boys who kept giving him combs as birthday presents.