:: Cyrus Broacha

Money buys love

By Cyrus Broacha

May 31 : Is this proof that the fat lady is about to sing? (By the way, I know the fat lady’s name but it would be ungentlemanly of me to share that with the public, besides she’s really fat, so why take the chance?)

For those of you who don’t know, here’s the devastating news. This time it’s truly breaking news because it’s breaking hearts. Archie is going to get married!

By Archie, I don’t mean my pal Archie D’souza, who’s done that twice already, I mean Archie Andrews of Riverdale, USA. The iconic Archie, who we all grew up on, is about to break the oath all comic book heroes are sworn to uphold — the oath of never changing. Frankly Archie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Look at your peers? Superman is plus-one years old and yet hasn’t aged, and he’s still having it off with the same lil’ lady, who by the way, has yet to sport a gray hair.

Batman on the other hand, has changed his uniform, redesigned his outfit, but he still continues to be the bat that always failed the flying class.

True, occasionally he steps on Robin, but all said and done he still has his millions, and he’s yet to call Hafeez Contractor on redoing the Bat Cave.

The same goes for Mandrake, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Soniaji. All our superheroes have made sure there is no change. In a fast changing world, they are our one constant. You never hear of The Green Lantern discussing his pension plans or Conan crying about unpaid gratuity, or The Phantom discussing medical insurance… and there’s a good reason for this. Comic book heroes are not allowed to do anything drastic. I mean "Perestroika" didn’t work the last time the erstwhile Soviet Union tried it, and it certainly won’t work for Archie.

Disgusted as I am with Archie’s insensitive comments, I do feel the writing may have been on the toilet wall. After all, a few tell-tale signs indicating danger did surface.

Jughead’s appetite seemed to be getting smaller. (A sure sign that he was expecting the inevitable, perhaps the loss of his best friend?) Big Moose was getting tinier. Reggie Mantle was getting wiser to Archie, (realising that obviously, Archie may now face a fate worse than Reggie) and Dilton Doiley, for all effective purposes, had simply disappeared.

I wrote to Archie, asking for an explanation and this was his reply.

"Dear Cyrus,

How are you, gorgeous? (I’m betting that you are a young girl, as the only other Cyrus I know, Mickey Cyrus, sure is.) I know you are upset with the news, but remember, so was I when I first heard it, and that was despite the news coming from moi in the first place. Sweetheart, let me spell it straight. Why this sudden decision, after all these years? The answer is contained in three little words. Words that caused Warren Buffet no less to throw-up all his lunch, (and believe you me that Warren can eat, this also explains why he’s never called for Barbecues despite being a generous tipper) the words are "the damn recession"!

Yup, a sundae in a 1954 issue of Archie Pals ‘n’ Gals cost just a nickle. Today it costs over $9. Gas, electricity, rent, perishable commodities are all going through the roof, and to make matters worse, neither me nor Jughead have been able to hold onto a steady job for the last… er 65 years.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he’s got to make a monumental decision. Mine was to live off either Betty (the tireless worker) or Veronica (the non-working heiress). In times like this the life of a parasite is more than welcome. So beautiful, don’t blame me or the writers, blame instead the Congressmen, the legislators, the economy, the foreign policy… er China, India and all the rest. If you are angry about my decision, blame them. As Confucius said, off the record: "A sane man does not choose marriage, he is forced into it". And so was I. I’ve enclosed Hostess Twinkies cupcakes for your eating pleasure. Goodbye… er cruel world. Yours sincerely,

Archie Andrews."

It’s the end of an era folks, and possibly the world. I’ll end with the immortal bard, improvised, "Et tu Archie, then falleth Cyrus".