:: Cyrus Broacha

Afrikaans: Official language of cricket

Cyrus Broacha

Dec. 6: People who read this column have been writing in. Mostly they ask "Why?" or "How much for a second-hand washing machine?" or "Are you male or female?"

However, yesterday I got a query about the Mahendra Singh Dhoni-selector fracas and after some research on the subject — using my contacts and more importantly hacking into the BCCI’s personal website, which is wekeep75%.com — I may be in a position to throw light on the matter.

The meeting commenced on Friday morning at 10.30 am. Srik Kanth and his bunch of selectors walked into the convocation room, doing the goosestep.

10.35: As a wedding reception was in progress, Srik Kanth and his bunch of merry selectors, who go by the pseudonyms of A, E, I, O and U were evicted from the convocation hall.

10.44: Srik Kanth and gang finally reach the right room. Before entering they are frisked by the security guards. Then they are frisked by Mahendra Singh Dhoni. An angry Srik Kanth now frisks the security guards. Two of the guards who are from well-to-do families leave him a tip.

10.57: Srik Kanth, A, E, I, O and U, Dhoni, Gary Kirsten, Shashank Manohar and Mandira Bedi begin the meeting.

11.07: Looking around the room Dhoni realises that there is at least one unnecessary person in the room. He immediately sends the head of the BCCI — Shashank Manohar — out of the room, after administering a stern warning.

11.09: Gary Kirsten makes a presentation on all the players’ strengths and weaknesses. As his presentation is in Afrikaans, Srik Kanth and A, E, I, O and U agree to every point.

11.30: Gary Kirsten gets a standing ovation, also in Afrikaans.

11.47: Dhoni make his presentation. Dhoni’s presentation consists of bills for hair cuts, styling, laundry, dry-cleaning, gym supplements, bedsheets and a miniature of the Eiffel Tower in 24 carat gold.

As Dhoni’s presentation is also in Afrikaans, Srik Kanth signs the bills.

11.59: Mandira Bedi gets up.

12.00: Mandira Bedi sits down.

12.01: A phone call interrupts the meeting. The phone call is from Dilip Vengsarkar, ex-chairman of selectors who wants to know if Srik Kanth is sitting on his chair, with his feet on the tables. When answered in the affirmative, Vengsarkar groans and hangs up.

12.09: Srik Kanth says Dhoni has an important announcement to make.

12.10: Dhoni makes his important announcement — "lunch".

12.11: Mandira puts her hand up.

12.12: Mandira puts her hand down.

1.45: Meeting resumes after lunch with A, E, I, O, U (the selectors), doing their rendition of Kaanta Laga with appropriate costumes.

1.49: Kirsten unveils Dhoni’s latest commercial, where Dhoni plays seven different characters.

1.51: Dhoni and Gary chat in Afrikaans about the commercial.

1.53: Mandira stands up.

1.54: Mandira sits down.

2.00: They all huddle up to watch a movie Meerabai Not Out. As the movie is in Afrikaans, Srik Kanth and A, E, I, O and U are ecstatic.

4.09: Srik Kanth declares that the meeting is over. This turns out to be a pointless exercise as there is no one left in the room at that time.

Dear reader, I hope this has opened your eyes to the goings on of our selectorial meetings. If not, I’d be glad to answer any questions, on washing machines or gender — in Afrikaans.