:: Cyrus Broacha

A royal derriere and global warming

By Cyrus Broacha

Feb 08 : After a long time I'm working on a project that is relevant and socially imperative. A project of substance. I haven't done anything like this since 1987, when Vikram and I stole Rajesh's bicycle. I've forgotten the feelings of euphoria, mixed with mirth, joy and one of doing the right thing by society, that I felt after that particular act. The most beautiful thing is that till today we have felt no compulsion to return the bicycle to Rajesh.

Ironically, the present project also involves the promoting of bicycles. You see, I'm part of a group that's decided to take on man's ultimate enemy. No, no, not hair loss. Nope, not your mother-in-law. No, not even the saas-bahu serials, but something worse than all these things combined. We've decided to stop global warming.

First off, I'd like to address the issue of what is global warming? Where does it live? Can one get it? Is it infectious? Is it male or female? Democrat or Republican? And obviously does it also suffer setback because of a global recession? The answers to all these questions are on Page 5. Page 5 of another newspaper. Since you may not have it handy, allows me to throw light (er... solar panelled light) on the matter.

Global warming was invented in the late 17th century by the then King of England, Henry the VIII, who was extremely fond of pastries, and hence earned the pseudonyms, Henry the Rotund, or Henry the Pastry. Due to a certain thyroid problem coupled with excessive eating and drinking, Henry bloated upto 18 stones, (260 pounds, but the pound then went a much longer way than it does today). It was Henry's third wife Wolfgang who first sighted the phenomenon. After Henry was heaved off his seat with the help of 18 men and nine crowbars, she accidentally felt the temperature of his chair and immediately scalded her hand. Amazed at how a wooden chair could turn so hot when the outside temperature was minus 21 degree, she met with scientists from all over the world, except Pakistan, to get to the source of the problem.

Forty-seven experiments were conducted on some scientists who accidentally touched the Royal behind. Those two particular experiments involved a rope and a stool and was admittedly far more painful. The scientist concluded that the King's derriere had a surface area roughly 35 metres wider than Scotland, and since his derriere was not located on the highlands, but instead languished much closer to sea level, it led to a great production of heat, which generated quickly, and had the potential of destroying all things around him. This immediately explained the King's missing six wives, two scientists, three chairs, one camel saddle, 74 sirloin steaks, 104 kilos of banana chips and his pet monkey called Robbie. The last was unfortunately found as part of a fondue.

Now the worst thing about global warming was that once it started it couldn't be stopped. The only way to block it was to destroy the source, in this case The Royal Behind. Since only the king could give the order, the Royal Behind could not be er... touched. Result: The spread of global warming without... er... warning.