:: Cyrus Broacha

A party that delivers what it promises

By Cyrus Broacha

Apr 19 : By the time you read this, the general elections will be in full swing. Our search for our next new group of leaders would have started. Leaders who will lead in the same way that most of our leaders have done in the past: By disappearing till the next general elections. It is a time-honoured tradition and hardly likely to change in the future.

However, this time round India, nay make that the world, may be saved by two words: Kunal Vijayakar. Yup, this gentleman, Kunal Vijayakar, is threatening to stand for elections and apparently for nothing else.

Fact 1. Kunal Vijayakar is so lazy that he carries a medical certificate everytime he visits his local multiplex. This is to ensure he doesn’t have to stand during the rendition of the National Anthem.

Fact 2. Kunal Vijayakar is angry about the political system which is not working and needs to be overhauled.

Fact 3. As long as he can do it in airconditioned comfort, avoid climbing stairs, or working beyond 4 pm, Kunal Vijayakar expects to be the man to do it.

While Kunal may be known to some readers as the anchor of the award winning food show, imaginatively called the Foodie, let me educate you about a man who one day may become your Prime Minister or, if not that then your local MP, or if not that then your local co-operator, or if not that then your building co-op’s secretary.

Kunal was born many years ago. The exact date is not known, but he is younger than Mangal Pandey and older then Prasoon Pandey. Even as a young boy he showed great leadership traits. When all the boys wanted to go out to play, he would prefer to sit in saying, the weather in India was far too abrasive to promote sport. At the age of 10 he led a strike-party to his school’s principal’s office on the subject of students being disallowed hot food from home. He called off the stir only when some of the other boys wanted the strike to evolve into a hunger strike. This idea was anathema. Kunal’s life defying principle — that nothing is so grave or so serious as to stall a good breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Now many years later he has grown into a bedrock of evolving political philosophy. Okay, forget about the evolving philosophy, he’s certainly grown into a bedrock... of er sorts.

Kunal with two of his trusted aides, Indu (she’s been the cleaning lady of the house for the last 27 years) and Sanjay (the man who pilots the car and sees the AC is turned on three minutes before Shri Kunal enters), had launched his party in January of the present year. The launch was a huge success, although it was only attended by Indu and Sanjay. And to be perfectly honest Indu fell asleep within the first four minutes and Sanjay asked to be excused before Kunal finished his speech, as it was his son’s sports day as well.

Kunal named the party the SP Party. Don’t confuse it with the Samajwadi Party, which holds the acronym SP and stands for the two-fold lofty idea of destroying human society’s twin worst evils: English and computers. Kunal’s party will have an extra P, in essence it will be the Shunyata Party Party. Kunal’s 10 years as an advertising man taught him that if you repeat a word many times it remains longer in the collective consciousness. This is certified by the example of the often used phrase "Oh God" which facilitated and accelerated the growth of religions all across the globe. A few simple repetitions of a phrase and you have a global business with millions of practitioners and follower. Advertising at its most effective!

The Party will stand for absolutely nothing, rather make that nothingness. The political manifesto is nothing. the goal is nothing. The aim is nothing and the vision is nothing. By this novel platform the SPP will be the only, repeat the only, party to deliver on its promises!

India needs the SPP. SPP Zindabad! Vote for Shree Kunal Vijayakar. As we stride into the 21st century let’s get the nothing that we deserve.