:: Cyrus Broacha

A cake from the House of Tatas

By Cyrus Broacha

Mar 22 : March 21st was Jamshedji Navroze. This, of course, is a wonderful day, not just for the Parsi community, but for everybody. For the Parsi community it’s a time of celebration and for the rest, it’s well, Saturday.

This Navroze was spent by different people in different ways. I received a card which I presumed was from the House of Tatas, although since it was signed in Maheshwari (who happens to own a provision store nearby), I seriously have my doubts. The letter read:

Dear Cyrus,

As you probably know we our launching the Tata Nano car at a prestigious ceremony at Parsee Gymkhana on Monday. At this launch Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Akshay Kumar and Hrithik Roshan will not be performing since it is a prestigious function. Keeping this prestige in mind we have also persuaded Himesh and last year’s Indian Idol winner to refrain from singing. Jimmy Amarnath, Karan Grover and Ram Kapoor have also been banned from dancing, not only at Parsee Gymkhana but also at any of the other adjacent Gymkhanas for a period of not less than five days after the launch. Shiamak Daver’s "Best of Summer funk" winners will also come under a mandatory ban and in keeping with the event’s prestige they will not be seen or heard.

Now let’s come to you. We, at the House of Tatas, (it’s not a sarcastic remark, I agree we have many houses), have been following your career. May I share with you the highpoints: a) You were the first television host to interact with a caterpillar. b) If you hadn’t stamped on him at the end of the interview, you’d have been the first to do a series of interviews with a caterpillar. c) You pioneered the idea of the audience actually not watching the television yet leaving it on, so that the sponsors still get adequate mileage. d) You were the first host to be run over on TV (albeit by your own car, although I’m told your relationship with your wife now is much better), yet you continued with your show. e) Your first book Say hello to Hairfall was wonderfully written even though it was a complete copy and translation of I.M. Bucknor’s book of the same title in German.

Finally, the work you are doing for the underprivileged is sterling. You were the first to recognise the problems of overweight female supermodels and average male models. You lent a ear when nobody else noticed this forgotten minority. Sir, in light of your amazing achievements we have selected you to be our chief guest at the Nano function on Monday the 23rd. Keep in mind you have been chosen over the other worthies — Danny Boyle, A.R. Rehman (on holiday), Barack Obama (not answering the phone) and the Pakistan Cricket team (available but no visas). We feel there cannot be a truer marriage than the Tata Nano and you. The very word "nano" means small and I’m assured by your wife that you are indeed small, very small. The Nano will be the cheapest automobile in India. I’m told by your friends family and well wishes that you are the cheapest person any of them have ever met, read about, or seen in a movie!

The Nano car is all about saving petrol and money. You, I’m told, are the same — you save everything from old girlfriends to napkins to old girlfriends who now appear like napkins.

Please answer in the affirmative. You will light up a million hearts by doing so. We also wanted to offer you a Nano, at cost price Rs 47,000, but we are told by your beautiful wife that you’d be too cheap to make good on this paltry payment so we’ve withdraw the offer. Instead we shall present you with a cake that just like you and the Nano will be small and cheap.

Thank you so much. Yours "Car"lingly,

M.M. Maheshwari of the House of Tatas.

Folks if you happen to pass by Parsee Gymkhana on Monday, remember big and generous is passé. Small and cheap is in vogue. Viva le Nano.