:: Cyrus Broacha

A cyclone’s naamkaran

Cyrus Broacha

Nov.15 : I’d like to set the record straight. I don’t speak Burmese sorry, correction, Myanamarese. In fact, I’ve never really known any Burmese people. The only connection that I have with Burma is a hat. My dear father’s only proof that hats actually existed in the 19th century.

So imagine my surprise, when I learnt that the devastating cyclone that was supposed to destroy all of South Asia had been christened Phyan which, by the way, is Burmese for Peter or Paul or the man with the golden arm or something a policeman in Burma gives for speeding traffic.

This begs the question: What ever happened to India? Aren’t we supposed to be the major superpower in the area? Why weren’t we allowed to name the cyclone? I mean it’s not like we don’t have cyclonic names — Mayawati and Mamata, for example, immediately spring to mind, i.e. if you dare use the words spring and Mayawati in the same sentence.

As is my wont, being both a student of social phenomenon and more importantly an out of work actor, I decided to investigate the matter. Reach the core, go where no earth being has gone before, dig into the entrails, raid the fossils so to speak.

So why didn’t we get to name the cyclone? There are 72 reasons. However, space constraints mean we may only be able to examine 71. Let’s start with reason No. 11: language. India has 4,000 languages as you know. Sadly, vanity leads to indecision. Most of the languages wanted the cyclone to be named in their... tongue. For e.g. a famous Hindi poet Ustad Abu-bin-Azmi wanted a Hindi name to be installed. Noted Marathi historian Shri Raj Thackeray insisted Marathi be given preference as the cyclone would be staying as a guest in Maharashtra for a couple of days at least. Exalted philosopher and philanthropist Manu Sharma promoted the cause of Haryanvi which, truth be told, is a language that is still to get its due. Financial wizard and economics guru ex-chief minister of Jharkhand Shri Koda shouted from the hospital rooftops that the cyclone will have a Bihari and only a Bihari name. The list went on. Soniaji leaned towards Italian. Manmohan Singh for Punjabi, Advani fell for Sindhi and Jaswant Singh for Pakistani.

Left with so much indecision, India’s chances of naming the cyclone were disappearing faster than the Bengal tiger. Reason 14 didn’t help matters either. Even if a name and language had been agreed, there was this smaller matter of who would be the chief guest to inaugurate the name. Again the hat kept being passed around, but each party, each group, each lobby wanted one of their own. Some pushed for Sachin Tendulkar, some for A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, others for Saina Grewal, and Himesh Reshammiya went for Himesh Reshammiya.

Reason No. 46 is even more substantial. Who would accompany the cyclone? It is not everyday that such a prominent personality like a cyclone visits India. So who could accompany the cyclone through its sojourn through India. Ashok Chavan felt Maharashtra’s pride would be hurt if it wasn’t him. He even offered a compromise candidate from his state, Shri R.R. Patil, but, off the record, the cyclone apparently declined.

Narendra Modi’s supporters felt as Gujarat would have the longest stay, the honour should fall to him. Sheila Dixit, when she got some time off her main extra curricular activity of granting paroles, said she’d be more than miffed if this honour didn’t fall on her as the foremost citizen of the Capital of India. Mayawati cried: Which self-respecting storm would come all the way to India and not visit the Taj Mahal in Agra? Hence she really should be the prominent companion.

Having effectively examined all these 72 excuses, it’s pretty clear that we don’t deserve the naming right, as we can’t decide on anything. It’s a blow for democracy and a victory for fascisim as, quite rightly, an old despotic fascist regime with a so-called military junta and with amongst the highest rate of civilian casualties and atrocities, is far better placed to entertain the cyclone. Firstly, when you lose 200 a day to the military, an extra 100 to the cyclone won’t be a burden on the conscience. Secondly, language and other decisions will never be a problem as debates and referendums have never been heard of, and thirdly and most importantly, there is no such thing as an Abu Azmi or Maharashtra Navnirman Sena or a Manu Sharma or even a Koda in Burma. So congratulations to Burma and Phyan it is.