Tricky drive

There is something about driving which makes you realise that you are in the right relationship. This epiphany usually comes when you are in the car with your loved one, arguing at concert level decibels, and then it dawns upon you that since you both don’t agree on practically anything on the road, not even the road signs, it’s clearly a case of absolute opposites and this is precisely the nature of things that attracts you two. Making you realise that you could have never ended up with a better partner but then, the light turns green and all seems forgotten. But for that tiny moment, a fleeting second, the joy of knowing that you live in the best of all worlds, is a precious realisation to cherish. Too bad you can’t share it with her for she’d bite your head off for trying to be a smug.

The first lesson I can give you about driving is this: never be the one to try and teach your partner how to drive. No matter how cute and intimately enticing the proposal sounds, stay away. Pay another man to bell this cat; that way, when she brakes for no reason or stalls, or over-uses the clutch, you can wave your fist and abuse that man for all it’s worth. If you try and teach her, chances are one of you will kill the other by the second intersection.

Next, if being driven, try and occupy yourself. Anything, from counting birds in the electric wires to chimneys. As long as you can keep your eyes off the road. Men have this strong innate tendency to control and an unquenchable thirst for it. Women have it too but on the road, most men believe that it’s their birth right. So stay away from trying to direct or guide but refrain yourself from even offering any advice. This is not a rally, it’s an urban road; she’ll find her way.

Another thing that you must remember is never ever touch the radio of a lady driver. Actually, male or female, never touch the radio unless the driver has him or herself asked you to do so personally. It is a very personal space and just like you wouldn’t want me rummaging through your knicker drawer, you don’t wish to interrupt that intimate bond between the driver and radio. In fact, asking your co-passenger to change stations for you, can be viewed as a noble form of a marriage proposal in certain cultures.

Finally, don’t comment on the driving. It could be jerky enough to rattle your teeth out, or with enough honking to drown out your innermost thoughts, just sit through it in all zen. Mention these and the fury you risk inviting could top all those petty annoyances.

Map reading used to be something that one gender was somehow always better at than the other. I blame those massive pieces of paper which firstly were hard to read and follow. Secondly, they were harder still to fold and fit back into the glove compartment once they had been removed from there. Thankfully, Google Maps has brought such lovely androgyny to the whole process of navigating from one point to another and today both the sexes show zombie-like reliance on their mobile phones to get to just about anywhere.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine