Saturday, Dec 16, 2017 | Last Update : 03:08 AM IST

Of requests and refusals

THE ASIAN AGE. | DR NARAYANA REDDY
Published : Dec 6, 2017, 12:15 am IST
Updated : Dec 6, 2017, 12:17 am IST

One sexual difficulty that is explosive involves one partner requesting sex and being repeatedly refused.

The effects include feelings of inadequacy, frustration and anger on the part of the refused partner and leads to a deflated self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and fault finding. (Photo: AFP)
 The effects include feelings of inadequacy, frustration and anger on the part of the refused partner and leads to a deflated self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and fault finding. (Photo: AFP)

“Please, Jyothsna” pleaded Jaideep. “This is the third month since you refused to have sex with me. What’s your problem? Jyothsna retorted angrily, “You are my problem. You never bother to care for my needs. Have you bothered to take me for a vacation in the past two years? Why should I alone fulfill your needs?”

One sexual difficulty that is explosive involves one partner requesting sex and being repeatedly refused. Why do people deny pleasure to their partners? Some common reasons are one doesn’t like the other, one uses sex as a weapon to control the other, one has a lower sex drive than the other, one gets little pleasure from sexual interaction and one prefers intercourse at a time different from the other.

Whatever be the reasons, the effects  will be damaging. The effects include feelings of inadequacy, frustration and anger on the part of the refused partner and leads to a deflated self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and fault finding. The overall effect will be unhappiness in nonsexual relationship, impaired communication, violence due to anger, and marital breakdown. These sexually warring couples will be poor role models for their kids. In most cases, the reason for refusal is rarely exclusively a sexual one. The cause is mostly due to relationship-based issues. Here are some pointers.  

For Men:

  • Try and find out why she says no.
  • Seek professional help to overcome your sexual inadequacy, if any.

For Women:

  • Do not use sex as a weapon.
  • Clarify why you are not in the mood.
  • Remember that men hang their self esteem on their penises.

For Both:

  • Adopt effective communication patterns and arrive at flexible solutions.
  • Sex is not only physically satisfying but it also brings the partners closer. Hence both should strive to derive the maximum out of it instead of avoiding.

The writer is a sexologist. Mail him at dr.narayana@deccanmail.com

Tags: self-esteem, impaired communication